Sunday, November 29, 2015

Month of Gratitude, Week Four: Resilience

I don’t have much to say this week. I hope that all of you reading this had a good holiday if you celebrated Thanksgiving, and if you didn’t, I hope you had a good week in general.

I've been physically in pretty bad shape still, but I got to enjoy the holiday. I anticipated it being more difficult since this was the first holiday without my mother. It was definitely difficult but my family and I managed to still celebrate and enjoy our time together. It definitely won’t ever be the same. My mom was my ally in the family; she was the only one as weird as me. We had the same humor. She was the person who loved me the most in this world. She was my best friend. 

Now it feels like a piece of my soul is irrevocably gone. 

But it’s ok. 

The thing with surviving something traumatic and devastating is you think you can’t survive it. And then somehow you do. You put one foot in front of the other and just keep going.

I can survive it. I can keep going. I’ve built up a pretty strong reserve of resilience the last few years.

That’s what I’m thankful for this week: resilience. Before I got ill, I was a survivor but I don’t think I was very resilient. It’s taken years and quite a bit of training to learn resilience. You have to with illness or you’d never be able to get out of bed every day.

Resilience means hope

It means acceptance

It means survival

It means renewal

And renewal is a promise for a better day 

I’m not consciously feeling resilient right now but I know it’s there. I know it’s my life support that is keeping me going. It’s giving me strength unconsciously.

I’m grateful for that strength to enjoy every bit of life right now: spending energy on creativity, seeing my friends, watching their children get older, spending time with my family, eating pumpkin pie, watching Star Trek with husband, going outside, relishing that first note when I play a song, breathing in chilly autumn days, drinking a good, strong cup of tea.

Every bit of it.

I hope you had moments to savor this week too, and whatever battle you are fighting, that your resilience is sailing you to the other side as well. 

Outside to walk a few feet with my trekking poles. Who could ask for more?

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